The Heart Wants what it Wants
by C J Lupin
Summary: I'm really bad at these, and anyway the title says it all. Summary: Sirius' heart wants Remus...
1. The Room of Requirement

A/N This does contain slash, and some non-explicit sexual activity. So just a warning.  
  
The Heart Wants What It Wants.  
  
Chapter 1-The Room of Requirement.  
  
"How am I supposed to study with all this noise?" exclaimed Remus Lupin, slamming his book shut in an exasperated manner. Sirius Black looked up at him with obvious amusement.  
  
It was holidays, James and Peter were away, and everybody else was having fun, yet all Remus could think about was studying.  
  
"Ah, good to see you're still with us, Moony," Sirius said playfully, referring to the fact Remus had barely spent more than five minutes without his nose jammed in a book. In fact, the longest time Remus spent without reading was when he was sleeping.  
  
"Us?" replied Remus with raised eyebrows. "You, there is no one else."  
  
Good to see you're still with me…with me. Sirius grinned at the thought. He turned back to Remus, who was now sitting with his head in his hands, his hair clutched tightly in his fists.  
  
"I know somewhere quiet," Sirius informed Remus slyly. Remus looked up at him, his hair tousled where he had been clutching it.  
  
"What?" he asked, a slightly dazed look on his face.  
  
"I know somewhere quiet that hardly anyone knows about," Sirius repeated. He allowed a small smile at the hopeful looking, tousle haired Remus. Remus' hopeful smile, however, quickly became a frown.  
  
"We can't, if you get caught Filch'll slaughter you," said Remus, sounding concerned. Sirius looked up incredulously; Remus was worried about what would happen to him, Sirius, if they got caught, not a concern for himself.  
  
"That's where an invisibility cloak comes in handy," said Sirius with a mischievous air.  
  
"But James-" Remus began.  
  
"-Lent the cloak to me for the holidays thinking I'd have more use for it," Sirius finished looking rather pleased with himself.  
  
"Really?" Remus asked looking more cheerful as Sirius nodded. "Can you show me where this place is?"  
  
"Wouldn't have it any other way," Sirius grinned. "Bring your book and lets go get the cloak."  
  
They crept slowly back down from the dormitories, the cloak covering them and, careful not to bump into anyone, made their way through the portrait hole.  
  
"Who's there?" cried the Fat Lady; startled to see that no one was there when she swung open. Sirius stopped, turned and blew a raspberry at her. They both laughed.  
  
"Sirius that wasn't very nice," whispered Remus once they were out of earshot. Sirius gave Remus his puppy dog eyes and a playful pout. A strange feeling surged through Remus, as he looked at Sirius, but he shrugged it off.  
  
"So?" Sirius finally replied, giving an impish grin. "She doesn't know who it was, and the look on her face was priceless!" He laughed again, quietly, a bark like laugh. They once again set off down the hallway.  
  
"Where are we going, anyway?" Remus asked, after a long silence, as he followed Sirius.  
  
"The Room of Requirement," Sirius replied as though what he said made perfect sense. Maybe it did to him but not to Remus. Remus turned quickly to look at Sirius with perplexity, a little to quickly, because he tripped and landed right in Sirius' arms.  
  
"Why, hello Remus," Sirius murmured with a cheeky grin; trying not to look, or sound, to pleased. Remus felt another strange surge of emotion and quickly pulled away, blushing a lovely shade of scarlet.  
  
"Sorry Sirius," he muttered. Sirius waved his hand dismissively.  
  
"Don't worry 'bout it," Sirius said. Then before Remus could stop him, had he wanted to, Sirius seized his hand, interlocking their fingers, and dragged him off down the hall. "We've loitered to long, we better get going."  
  
*  
  
At length, Sirius stopped in front of a completely unremarkable door. Remus raised his eyebrows at Sirius; it looked like a normal classroom to him.  
  
"Sirius, what the-?" he began to ask, but Sirius placed a single finger to Remus' lips, causing him to again redden, and fall silent.  
  
"Close your eyes," Sirius whispered, placing his arm around Remus' shoulders, in a would be brotherly manner, but it still caused Remus to go a deeper shade of red. "And think about something other than this room."  
  
Remus thought this an odd request but did as Sirius said. When he closed his eyes, Remus was startled by the first thought that came to mind. It was Sirius, a shirtless Sirius, and he liked it. Remus tried to banish these thoughts but to no avail. With his eyes closed Remus understandably saw nothing, but he heard Sirius open the door, and felt Sirius tighten the grip around his shoulders to steer him inside.  
  
"Tada" said Sirius proudly. Remus opened his eyes and found the room to be rather average. There was no furniture in the room, just a fireplace, a soft, furry rug by the fire and a few scatter cushions. The fire was already lit; there was no other light source in the room.  
  
"We'll have to sit on the floor," whispered Sirius, stating the obvious.  
  
"And very close to the fire if I am to get sufficient light to read in," added Remus with a sigh.  
  
"I guess so." With that Sirius went and settled down on a patch of cushions.   
  
"Pull up a cushion," he said to Remus indicating the few he wasn't already lounging on. Remus came over and carefully sat down too, instantly opening his book as he did so.  
  
"How shall you entertain yourself while I study, Padfoot," Remus enquired after a while, breaking the silence. He was asking because Sirius had done nothing but sit there since they arrived and it was unlike him to sit so silently. Remus didn't look up when Sirius answered "Simple" and began to move towards him, slowly.  
  
When he was close enough, Sirius snatched Remus' book away, holding it just out of reach.  
  
"Sirius, give me back my boo-" further protests from Remus were prevented by Sirius pressing his lips against Remus'. When Sirius pulled away, Remus was to shocked to do anything as Sirius threw the book across the room and pushed him back down on to the cushions. It wasn't until Sirius straddled him that Remus found his voice.  
  
"Sirius, what the hell are you doing?" he exclaimed.  
  
"I would have thought that extremely obvious by now," Sirius replied cheekily. A devilish grin playing with his features as he undid Remus' robes and removed them. Although Remus did not assist in Sirius' efforts to undress him, he did not resist them either. This encouraged Sirius, because he knew that if Remus didn't want him to continue, he'd say so. If Remus at any time was to say no, Sirius would all to willingly cease his actions.  
  
"Ah…oh…no…stop…that tickles," gasped Remus writhing under Sirius as he slowly unbuttoned Remus' shirt, kissing the bare flesh that each undone button revealed. When the shirt was fully unbuttoned, Sirius ran his hands up Remus' bare torso to his shoulders. He pulled Remus up into a sitting position and removed the shirt flinging it aside. When Sirius released Remus, he fell limply back on to the cushions with a sigh. Sirius spent quite sometime exploring Remus' now totally bare chest and stomach, gently kissing with his lips and caressing with his hands. Remus continued to squirm beneath him, but with bliss more than anything. Remus gave a tiny gasp as Sirius' lips brushed over one of his nipples. Sirius pulled away and looked at Remus, unsure of whether or not to continue. Remus was still blushing faintly, but as he returned Sirius' gaze there was unmistakable lust in his light amber eyes, even though he tried to deny it.  
  
"Hey, no, those are my pants!" he cried as Sirius caringly removed his shoes and socks before, with one quick movement, stripping off Remus' pants and tossing them across the room along with his shirt and book. All Remus had left on was his underwear and he was, once again, blushing severely.  
  
Sirius began to quickly undress himself until the only bit of clothing he had on was his Gryffindor tie. Remus was trying desperately not to stare at Sirius' naked body but was failing. Sirius again straddled Remus, having to stand up to remove his own pants, hooking his thumbs under the waistband of Remus' underwear as he did so, but then he stopped. Remus looked up at him and was met by a questioning expression, as though Sirius was asking for permission to continue. Remus again found himself at a loss for words, so instead he wrapped his arms around Sirius' neck, pulling him down into a passionate kiss. Sirius was correct in taking this action for consent, he pulled off Remus' underwear and now they were both naked, except for Sirius' tie.  
  
"God, Remus, you're beautiful," Sirius whispered, looking him up and down. Remus flushed red with pride, Sirius thought he was beautiful. Then Remus realised Sirius was about to 'start' and cried out.  
  
"Wait!" he cried, looking dreadfully nervous, Sirius stopped. "Um…perhaps we could just, I don't know, cuddle for a while? I'm not sure I'm ready yet."  
  
"Of course," said Sirius, not minding in the slightest, in fact he had sort of expected something like this. It could take a while for Remus to adjust to the idea that Sirius wanted to be more than friends, and Sirius was prepared to wait. He got off Remus, and Remus instantaneously curled up into a protective ball on one side, with his back to the fire. Sirius lay down behind him; curling around him, to his contour, and wrapping an arm around Remus' waist.  
  
"You don't mind, do you?" asked Remus quietly, snuggling back into Sirius.  
  
"Not at all," Sirius gave Remus a bit of a squeeze. "Whenever you are ready."  
  
"I just…"  
  
"Shhh…" hushed Sirius, kissing the back of Remus' neck. "Don't worry; I understand it can be difficult to get accustomed to the idea of liking a guy, or having a guy like you. Anyway I'm happy right here, right now, with you by my side. I can wait until you are comfortable with everything."  
  
Remus was pleased that Sirius understood. Even so, he couldn't help feeling a bit self-conscious being naked in front of Sirius, or blushing as Sirius' naked body pressed against his. With his embarrassment aside Remus felt relatively relaxed. He snuggled deeper into Sirius, rolling forward so he was almost lying on his front. After a short time, Sirius began to trace lazy patterns on Remus' back with a finger, Remus purred with pleasure at the touch.  
  
"That's lovely," he murmured.  
  
"You're lovely," replied Sirius, showering Remus' back with feathery light kisses. Remus purred again, apparently enjoying the tender caress of Sirius' lips. "I have an idea, I'll trace something on your back and you have to guess what it is."  
  
"A love heart," Remus whispered, instantly recognizing the shape as Sirius traced.  
  
"Yeah, but what is inside the love heart," Sirius teased.  
  
"An R, a J and an L," Remus recited as each letter formed on his back. "RJL, that's me! Remus J Lupin." He rolled over so he was facing Sirius.  
  
"That's right," Sirius said as he wrapped Remus up in his arms. "I love you, Remus J Lupin."  
  
"Love me?" Remus repeated. He looked at Sirius, as though not daring to believe anyone could love him. "How long-?"  
  
"Since 3rd year," Sirius answered before Remus finished, and he seemed earnest. They kissed. Sirius began to shift so he was on top of Remus but Remus, pressing his palms to Sirius' chest and gently pushing him back, stopped him. Sirius stopped and watched Remus, trying to figure out what was wrong.  
  
"I'm sorry…I thought you wanted…" he stuttered afraid he had upset Remus, but Remus pressed a finger to his lips, calming him.  
  
"Yes, I do want, I want you, more than anything, but…" Remus trailed off.  
  
"But what?"  
  
"But I can't," Remus sighed.  
  
"Why not?" Sirius sounded dreadfully disappointed, he looked it too.  
  
"Because I am a werewolf," Remus looked awfully upset. The lust still featured unmistakably in his eyes as he stared at Sirius. Sirius could tell it was taking every bit of Remus' resolve to do whatever it was he was doing. He also knew Remus wasn't telling the full truth as to why they couldn't continue.  
  
"That has never mattered to me!" he exclaimed. "You should know that by now, what's the real problem?"  
  
Remus looked away from Sirius, staring into the fire.  
  
"Look at me, Remus. Look at me!" Sirius forced Remus to look at him, and then his voice softened. "Please, Remus, tell me the truth."  
  
Remus thought for a moment, contemplating his answer. "You didn't let me finish," he said finally, his voice barely audible above the crackling of the fire. "I am a werewolf, and werewolves mate for life."  
  
"Is that all?" Sirius said laughing slightly. Remus stared at him, with a hint of annoyance.  
  
"No, it is not all Sirius, I thought you would understand," he sounded faintly hurt. "You have never been one for commitment, and as much a I want for this I…I would die if you ever left me."  
  
"Listen to me," Sirius whispered, realizing just how much this mattered to Remus. "I would never leave you. Never. You are my soul mate, I know that for certain, and I love you more than anything."  
  
"Then why-?"  
  
"I believed my feelings for you were wrong," Sirius explained, once again not requiring Remus to finish his sentence. "And therefore could never be returned. So in the hope of forgetting my feelings for you, I dated girls. That's why none of my girlfriends lasted for long, I couldn't grow to love them, I couldn't forget how much I wanted and loved you."  
  
Remus knew Sirius was telling the truth and embraced him. Sirius smiled as he heard Remus inhale deeply, memorizing Sirius' smell. Sirius also took a deep breath, Remus' hair smelt faintly like flowery shampoo.  
  
"I'll be your mate, and you'll be mine," he whispered as he again began to get on top of Remus, and this time, Remus didn't try to stop him.  
  
"Mine," Remus mumbled, playing with Sirius' tie as it dangled in front of his face.  
  
"Yes, yours," Sirius smiled. "Yours always, and forever."  
  
"Forever?" Remus' eyes searched Sirius' grey-blue ones, wondering if Sirius understood the significance of his statement. "Forever is a very long time."  
  
"It is," Sirius continued to smile, brushing his fingers along Remus' cheek. "And there is nothing I want more in this world than to spend every minute with you."  
  
Remus could not help but moan at these words and also Sirius' wandering hands. Remus pulled Sirius down to him by his tie and kissed him deftly.  
  
"I promise to be gentle," Sirius breathed in Remus' ear.  
  
"I love you Sirius," came Remus' only response.  
  
*  
  
When Sirius woke up, the first rays of sunlight were drifting in through the only window, and the fire had burnt itself out. He looked at the sleeping Remus. He is such a peaceful sleeper, Sirius thought. Remus muttered something incoherent and rolled over, snuggling into Sirius shoulder. Sirius smiled as he remembered the events of the previous night, and draped his arms around Remus' waist. Remus stirred.  
  
"Mmmm…Morning," Sirius yawned in a contented manner.  
  
"Sirius, I…I have a mate," Remus murmured sounding thrilled yet in awe. He obviously still couldn't believe that it was true. Sirius ran his fingers through Remus' light brown hair.  
  
"And I'll never leave you," He murmured, kissing Remus on the forehead. 


	2. Broken Promises and Interuptions

Chapter 2-Broken Promises and Interruptions.  
  
Remus was sitting alone in an armchair by the fireplace in the lounge room of Twelve Grimmauld Place. Even though it was still the middle of the day, the fire was lit in the grate. He was checking over some papers, and didn't hear Sirius sneak in.  
  
The only reason Sirius was even contemplating doing this was the fact that the house was empty, the first time it had been in quite a while. It was just him and Remus. Sirius was going to take things slowly, nothing like the impulsive, heated passion of their youth. Remus had been slightly cold towards him ever since the first time they had met, after his escape from Azkaban. Sirius was beginning to suspect the brief hug in the Shrieking Shack was a mere slip in Remus' emotional barricade. Sirius knew Remus still loved him, he could tell by the lust in Remus' eyes whenever Remus looked at him. Sirius also knew Remus was constantly using all his will power to prevent himself from pouncing on him. All Sirius had to do was force these feelings to surface.  
  
Sirius stood beside Remus' chair and stared at Remus, whom did not look up. He knelt down; still he presence had no affect what so ever on Remus. It wasn't until he wrapped Remus in his arms and kissed his neck, that Sirius got a reaction.  
  
Sirius was pleased by the tiny gasp that managed to escape Remus. Then Remus became conscious of precisely who was hugging and kissing him.  
  
"Hello Sirius," he said curtly, shrugging Sirius' arms off and returning his attention to his papers.  
  
"Mornin' Moony," Sirius purred in his most seductive voice. Remus reddened, and Sirius saw the corners of Remus' mouth twitch, as though he was going to smile at the use of his old nickname, but otherwise there was no change. Sirius pouted, this was going to be harder than he previously thought. Then he got an idea.  
  
"When push comes to shove," Sirius grinned, a mischievous grin. Sirius straddled Remus, pinning him to the chair, and push came to shove, literally. As Sirius pushed in on Remus, Remus shoved him and sent him sprawling back on to the rug. It was a surprising show of strength and Sirius was caught off guard.  
  
"What was that for?" Sirius cried indignantly. Remus ignored him. "Oh come on! Why do you keep shutting me out, Remus? Remus!" Remus had rose from the chair and was about to leave the room. Sirius clumsily scrambled to his feet and ran across the room to stop him. When Sirius grabbed Remus and turned him around, Sirius realised Remus was crying.  
  
"Remus? I'm sorry, what's wrong?" Sirius reached up and tried to wipe the tears from Remus' eyes but Remus pulled away.  
  
"You broke your promise," he sniffled.  
  
"I…what?"  
  
"You promised you'd never leave me, our first…time," Remus repeated, wiping away his own tears. "You left me."  
  
"And you think I wanted to leave you, to go to that place? Don't you know who many nights images of you, and what might have been, plagued my dreams?" Sirius yelled, losing his temper.  
  
"I didn't know," Remus sobbed, shaking his head. "But I was hurting too. It damn near killed me trying to think of you as a traitor, even though all the evidence said you were. Something inside me knew you were innocent, and it was driving me insane. To think of you being so far away, locked in that place…"  
  
"All I ever have and ever will want is you," Sirius murmured, pulling Remus close, trying to comfort him. Remus sobbed into Sirius' shoulder. "Please believe me, I love you, I never wanted to leave you and I will never leave you again."  
  
"I never stopped loving you," Remus kissed Sirius, hesitantly at first. Sirius tightened his grip around Remus and steered him down to the rug by the fire, just like their first night together. Everything that had happened that night was repeating itself. All of Remus' clothes were removed, except his underwear, Sirius happily exploring his bare skin, teasing with seductive caresses. Sirius stripped off completely, Remus staring avidly all the while. Than Sirius paused, a silently questioning expression on his face, before they kissed and in one quick movement they were both naked. Their clothes were strewn everywhere. This time Remus was willing to continue, it was Sirius who lost his nerve and requested a cuddle.  
  
"I want to, it's just," he mumbled, looking embarrassed. "After all that time in Azkaban, I…"  
  
"I understand," Remus didn't need a reason as he ran his fingers through Sirius' black hair. It had been a long time for both of them, but truthfully, intimate contact of this extent frightened Sirius, he wanted to, but he had forgotten how it all felt.  
  
So they lay, Sirius snuggled in to Remus, head resting on Remus' shoulder, for some time; just hugging, with the occasional kiss or caress. There was almost complete silence, neither man spoke; the only sound was the crackling of the fire.  
  
"Remus?" Sirius asked timidly.  
  
"Yes, Sirius, if you are ready," came Remus' soft reply.  
  
Sirius kissed Remus' neck, and tenderly stroked his bare chest, Remus purred, causing Sirius to smile in remembrance of their younger years.  
  
*  
  
Their passionate reunion didn't go undisturbed, half way through Severus Snape burst in.  
  
"Oh my god!" he exclaimed in undertone, because even though the armchair prevented him from seeing anything explicit, he got the gist of things. Snape couldn't see Remus' face, so he didn't know whom Sirius was with, it was fairly obvious that it was Sirius and fairly obvious that whoever it was, it was a guy. Sirius shifted and revealed that it was Remus. Remus moaned loudly and opened his eyes, that's when he saw Snape.  
  
"Oh, god, Severus!" he exclaimed, blushing furiously. Sirius appeared unconcerned, but he moved so his body hid Remus', to prevent further embarrassment on his part. Even so, he didn't stop what he was doing just because Snape was present; anyway, he found the look on Snape's face to be very amusing.  
  
"Rack of, Snivelly," Sirius said, calmly. He than had to pause due to another loud moan from Remus, who wasn't complaining about Sirius' continuance, in spite of Snape. "Can't you see we are busy here?"  
  
Snape's jaw dropped. "You two disgust me!" he retorted, as he turned on his heel and left the room.  
  
"Homophobe!" Sirius yelled. Remus when even redder, he had never thought of himself or Sirius as homosexual before. Remus realised Sirius was gazing at him.  
  
"I hope that wasn't too embarrassing," Sirius said with a smile. "I wasn't expecting any interruptions."  
  
"No, ah, it wasn't," Remus replied, moaning again with pleasure. "But I've never been caught with my pants down like that before."  
  
"I think I'd like to catch you with your pants down like this more often," Sirius' responded playfully.  
  
"Sirius," Remus blushed as Sirius kissed him. 


End file.
